Groucho Marx supposedly once said, “I wouldn’t belong to a club that would have me as a member”. I don’t know if it is true or not and yet I do know how that statement works in relationships.

Have you ever used the words, “I don’t know what I did to deserve this relationship”?  Why would you say something like that? What were the thoughts going through you mind at the time you spoke those words? Think about it for a minute; You were probably thinking: What does this person see in me?  Why are they with me when they could have almost anyone they want, and how is it that out of all of the people they could choose they chose me?

Any questions of that type or remotely close to that is an indication of  GMS (Groucho Marx Syndrome).

How does GMS affect relationships? Quite simply when you are in a relationship that you don’t feel you deserve, you are going to do everything in your power to sabotage it. Since most sabotage occurs at an unconscious level you may not even be aware of your actions. One indication of sabotage within relationships is the tendency to find fault with your partner. There will be a  desire to  make them wrong, at every opportunity. In fact, you will begin to make efforts to catch them doing something “wrong” and magnify it out of proportion. When did the person who you found so magnificent in the beginning of the relationship change?????  Is it possible your partner did not change?  There could be other reasons for this shift in the relationship, for example : 

1. Since you don’t feel you deserve to have them in your life you will use this method to drive them away.

2. If you can find enough things to fault them for, then you can convince yourself that you do deserve them, by convincing yourself they weren’t  that “great” after all.

In simpler terms you want to drag them down to a level that you feel comfortable with; your every attempt is to put them in a category of people who you “deserve to be with”. The sad thing about all of this is that in most cases you end up driving them away. By  the time you realize what you have done and attempt to make amends it is too late.

They no longer want to be with you because they believe in themselves and they believe they deserve to be treated well in a relationship. All of your efforts to get them to return are in most cases fruitless.

You promise yourself that if you ever find someone else as wonderful, you won’t make the same mistake again. Nice promise.
When the next wonderful, “What did I do to deserve this person?” comes along, guess what? You guessed it, you may last for awhile and then you are right back in the pattern again. You will continue this inappropriate behavior until you deal with the “root” cause of  your feelings about yourself.

It is important to recognize that there is a deeper issue. You want to find out the why and the when. Why do you have GMS and when were you first exposed to GMS. You cannot deal with only the symptoms and expect success. There are deep underlying issues that must be dealt with, before you can expect to feel “good” about yourself.  Until you feel good about who you are, you are not going to feel good about anyone who cares for you. As long as you have GMS you are not going to know how to be with anyone who would want to be in relationship with you.

How do we acquire GMS and how do we overcome it? Usually GMS is acquired during childhood. It can happen any number of ways, and mostly it is something that effects your self-esteem, your feelings of self worth. There can be issues of abuse resulting in eating disorders, which causes weight challenges, which leads to body image challenges. This is one of many outcomes that can result from abuse endured  during childhood that lead us to sabotage our relationships  If you have a belief that you are not good enough, or pretty enough, or intelligent enough, it is important to determine when that thought first entered your awareness and what the circumstances were that led to that thought.  By going to the root cause, the moment or incident that was instrumental in the making of that decision, it can be reframed and a healing process can begin using HeartSight Therapytm. HeartSight Therapytm involves techniques that will allow you to empower yourself so that you can realize your highest potential. HeartSight Therapytm is a heart opening, mind expanding therapy that is wellness- based. The premise is based on the knowledge that you are OK exactly  the way you are and you can choose to release old patterns that no longer serve you. One aspect of HeartSight Therapytm involves “visiting” the child and having a conversation with her or him.   This technique, called child empowerment,  allows you to reframe  past incidents enabling your “inner child” to make  new decisions about those incidents.  This  will be the first step to building trust and creating a  safe space for the child to express her or his feelings. This is a very simple process that I have used numerous times in counseling sessions over the past few years. Within this process feelings of low self esteem and low self worth are dealt with.

These feelings of low self esteem and low self worth were the result of the child feeling he or she did not have any power or control over the situation that occurred. The child did not feel safe saying or doing anything, he or she felt disempowered.. There is nothing that can be done about what happened, it is past and done. Since nothing can be done to change the incident itself, only your interpretation of the event can be changed. This involves removing the feelings of “wrong” and “guilt” and “bad” that were associated with the incident, whether the incident be word or deed, something said to the child or something done to the child.

Using HeartSight Therapytm and the “inner adult”, the perceived “wrongness” of the  past incident can be rethought. This will allow the child to see the situation differently, release any feelings of guilt she or he may have. You the adult can now see your life from a totally different and new perspective. This allows you to open your heart without fear, and to give and receive love. You now have the opportunity to release old patterns that were fear- based, that caused you  to be on guard and always feeling that you  must protect yourselves from those who you felt were out to hurt you (and that usually included everyone, especially those individuals who had any similarity to the original perpetrator).

The sabotage that you did in the past was based on the feeling that you needed to protect yourself, therefore your actions were perfect for then. Now however you realize  that the threat that you perceived no longer exists in reality;  the need to protect yourself  was created as a defense mechanisms for your survival . You can see how unnecessary the past sabotage  behavior was and make a new decision based on new information and a new attitude about the past.

We must first love ourselves where we are, as we are before we can expect to make movement in any other direction. Starting from a place of anger or hate or disgust leads to nowhere; it is like quicksand, the more you struggle the deeper and faster you sink. Starting from a place of love, you can go anywhere, because you are flying and free and above the struggle. You are ready to fly, you are ready to have the things you deserve in life, you are ready to let go of patterns that no longer serve you and I can help.

I have developed free flowing methods over the last twenty five years that have been successful in supporting those in relationships to work through their challenges.  I have also been successful in supporting those who want to have a relationship and no longer want to make the “wrong” choices in choosing a partner. Essentially, you are the person you must love and trust and believe in. You will open up your heart and expand your mind to encompass new realizations of who you are and who and what you want in your life. You will reach a place where you would only belong to a club that would have you as a member.

© Copyright 2009 Heartsight Therapy